Kimi ga Suki
by harunekonya
Summary: [ShinjixKaworu] Rated for lime with just a hint of lemon. Shinji thinks of the encouragement Kaworu gave him before the Angel's death, and longs for some way to return to him. Second Movie spoilers.


Author's Note: Blah blah blah…this is a ShinjixKaworu blah blah blah. I wrote this because a friend of mine wanted to read a shounen ai between the two, even though fanfiction.net is filled with them anyways! Well, mine actually has something of a plot. ^_^ I made it a lime, with just the tiniest hint of lemon. Hopefully this doesn't break FFnet rules. I will be very disappointed otherwise. 

I'm very picky about my yaoi pairs. It takes a lot to convince me that they belong together. Sometimes I feel that fandom is filled with too much yaoi, and that's annoying. It's no longer fandom, just a bunch of perverts trying to pair up any pretty couple, regardless of how much they don't make sense. Hopefully, this fic does. 

And the usual, none of this is mine, blahdy blah. Oh, spoilers for the end and the movie, but really, would anyone seriously sue?

Read and review. Maybe.

Neon Genesis Evangelion~Kimi ga suki 

            "Kimi ga suki," he had said. And like a terrible nightmare, that beautiful image had been shattered by the crushing of bio-robotic hands…the stain of an angel's blood upon his—no—his Eva's hand…and the plop as a severed head dropped into the LCL below. Dead. The beauty, those beautiful words, disappeared along with that shattering sound. 

            Shinji curled up in Unit 01, not wanting to think. He never wanted to think again. Not ever. He wanted to be alone! Alone! Where no one could hurt him, where no one could hate him! Alone…it was a dream that he had often fantasized—a place where no one could ever harm him or force him to harm them. 

            "Kaworu-chan…" he whimpered, tears threatening to overwhelm him. This loneliness! This agonizing self-hatred! He couldn't bear it, this reality. So why shouldn't he leave, and create a reality of his own? Why shouldn't he run away? 

            As his mind began to drift, it took an inadvertent turn—away from his dreams, and into a reality that seemed so far away as to almost be a dream itself. 

*          *          *

            "That…that's the kindest thing anyone's ever said to me," Shinji whispered softly. He flushed, both with pleasure, and a stirring of something else. Something he had never felt before…

Nagisa smiled, but his eyes told Shinji that he was smiling for completely different reasons from his own. 

"Are you done?" he asked, gazing at him with an intense look in his eyes. For some reason this causes Shinji to blush again, and he sinks deeper into the hot tub they were soaking in. 

"I-I think so," he stammered shyly. He felt so stupid, but then again, he usually did. It should be nothing new by now, this feeling of stupidity. Asuka, that blunt girl with an over rated opinion of herself, had spoken the truth, when she said that he was stupid. But for some odd reason, when Nagisa looked at him with those eyes, his stupidity seemed irrelevant. 

"Do you want to come over tonight? If you are uncomfortable going home, you can stay the night with me. I wouldn't mind…" 

Once again Nagisa's eyes gazed deeply into his own, and despite the heat of the hot tub, Shinji now shivered. 

"I don't want to go home."

Nagisa stood up, water streaming down his body—his oh so very beautiful body. The boy did not look at Shinji, but his very stance told him that he very much wanted him to follow him. And something about that posture promised that there were many more things to come…lovely things, pleasant things…

Shinji got up, now certain in his decision. He would follow Nagisa. As for returning home…that could wait. 

"I feel bad, sleeping in the bed, while you sleep on the ground," Shinji said, looking up at the ceiling. Another unfamiliar ceiling, but that was to be expected. 

"You are a guest, and you deserve the bed," Nagisa replied, his voice warm. 

Still looking up at the ceiling, Shinji sighed. It was so hot tonight. Not that it was never hot. Ever since the Second Impact, Earth's climate had been high. However, tonight, the temperature felt hotter than usual. 

"Nagisa-san," he began. 

"Shinji, call me Kaworu. We are fellow Eva pilots, and therefore equals. Call me Kaworu."

Well, Asuka certainly never felt that way about her status as a pilot.

"Hai…Na-Kaworu-san," he corrected, but flushed as he said the name. Then his flush grew deeper when he realized that he had forgotten what he was about to say. 

"Nani?" Kaworu asked, his tone ever kind. 

"Be-betsuni," Shinji replied, this time turning away, facing the wall. His flush deepened, and Shinji was sure that his face ought to be lighting up the room now; it was so hot. 

"Honto da?" 

The thin covers rustled as Shinji heard Kaworu move. A pale, gentle hand touched his shoulder. Shinji froze. 

"You're hot…" Kaworu murmured. "Very hot." The pale, gentle hand moved to touch his forehead. "Do you have a fever?" he asked, now concerned. 

"N-no. Watashi wa daijoubu," Shinji stammered, but flushed again. 

There was a slight chuckle. 

"Oh I see. You're blushing. But why?" 

His pale, cool hands drifted down his neck. 

"Because…because…" He stopped. Kaworu's hands had drifted far below his neck now. 

"Because what?" Kaworu asked, now in amusement. 

The other boy's hand had joined the first, but in a completely different area, one that was feeling very sensitive at the moment. Shinji gasped. Then, as if his gasp was a signal, Kaworu climbed on top of him, his knees between Shinji's legs, forcing them apart.

"You're…you're…" Shinji tried to say, but his tongue was tied. Especially since things were starting to feel quite nice. Pleasant actually. 

"Seducing you?" Kaworu finished for him, his smile illuminated by the moonlight. He did not stop his hands, and despite Shinji's doubts on the matter, he also did not want him to stop. 

"I…" 

"It feels nice doesn't it? Very lovely, pleasant?" 

Those hands, which up until now had been soft and gentle, picked up speed and vigor. Once again Shinji fell silent. Kaworu looked in his eyes, taking Shinji's silence for agreement. He said nothing, but his first hand had drifted down to join his other hand, working ever so nicely on his lower half. Shinji abruptly felt his pants coming off, and he flinched, but the look Kaworu gave him: kindness, love, sympathy…Shinji relaxed again. 

Then Kaworu put it in his mouth. 

The pleasure overwhelmed him. It felt like flying…no, better than flying. Euphoria shot threw him, causing him to shake, while he opened his mouth and gasped as the pleasure didn't end. It went higher. Shinji jerked. Then again. His eyes were closed, savoring the genuine pleasure of it. Not even when he was in his Eva did he feel so much joy. Neither when he was with those he had admired. They didn't matter…at least not right now. Nothing mattered except for pleasure. 

"You're sweet, Shinji," Kaworu said softly. He leaned over him and kissed him. Shinji returned it with fervor. He wanted more of the pleasure. He wanted so much more. Sweet liquid poured down his throat, startling him. 

"Wh-what is that?" he asked, surprised. 

"That was you," Kaworu answered. "You see? You are not just beautiful Shinji. You are sweet as well. Wonderful." 

Bitterness welled up inside him. 

"No. I'm horrible. Even my father hates me," he replied. 

Two hands, which a moment ago had been so gentle, clasped his shoulders firmly.

"You are _not_ horrible," Kaworu told him, his voice hard and cold. "And don't you dare let anyone else tell you otherwise." Then it softened once again, like honey. "If you don't believe me, then believe in yourself. You are a very sweet, good human being Shinji. I know." His eyes flashed wickedly. "After all, I know you now better than anyone else." 

Shinji flushed. He still felt very hot, but it didn't bother him so much now. 

"I'm hot…" he said, then stopped. Why did he say it? That was a very stupid thing to say, especially after all that Kaworu had just done for him. He must have sounded ungrateful. But then again, as Asuka would confirm, he was ungrateful. Kaworu told him to believe in himself though…

"Yes, you would be, wouldn't you?" Kaworu said. "So am I," he added. He grinned boyishly at him. "Let's cure that shall we?" 

"How…?" Shinji began, but was silenced when a shirt was flung at him. Then pants. Then underwear. 

            "Well? Aren't you going to take yours off?" 

            "But…" Shinji protested. 

            Kaworu glanced sideways at him. 

            "Shin-chan," he said, using his name intimately. Then again, after what happened, Shinji figured that it was pretty appropriate. "Don't you _want_ to feel that again?" He smiled, almost sadly. It was more than Shinji could bear. "I can make it feel so much better. And make it last longer too." 

            "Better? There's more?" he asked, unable to keep the eagerness out of his voice. 

            Kaworu laughed. 

            "Shin-chan. I can guarantee you that although I might be considerate, I am, by no means, wholly altruistic. There are some things _I_ am expecting tonight as well." 

            "O-oh." 

            His shirt and the rest of his underwear were removed clumsily. With the night so late, the moon had long disappeared, and now they were together in nearly complete darkness. Utterly naked, Kaworu pushed him back down, his right hand cradling his head, his left caressing his cheek. 

            "Shin-chan, kimi ga suki. Honto ni daisuki. Aishiteru." 

            Kaworu…chan," Shinji replied, feeling an ecstasy beyond sex, beyond the physical world. "Watashi…mo…" 

            Kaworu bent over and kissed him, this time far more deeply than the first time. As they kissed, his hands moved around him, tracing invisible patterns along his back, arms, and legs. Gradually, Shinji copied his movements, both of them for the moment enjoying the touch of each other. 

            They're feelings deepened as they explored each other, both discovering new things about themselves, until it was hard to tell who was who. Then Kaworu, smiling, joined with him, showing Shinji that he had meant exactly what he said. 

*          *          *

Shinji trembled inside his Eva again, reliving that part of himself. That tiny part of himself who did not hate, but instead loved. 

"But I killed you…" he whispered. 

Yes, he had destroyed the one, the only one who loved him unconditionally. 

"I'm evil. I deserve to die," he said to the empty air around him…except it really wasn't empty air. It was LCL. 

But somehow that felt wrong too. Kaworu had told him that he was a wonderful person—that he was beautiful, someone worth loving. Shinji couldn't deny that part of himself. To deny would be to deny Kaworu, and he certainly deserved better, even if he ended up being an Angel in the end. 

Of all things, the irony there was too profound. The creatures he had fought to protect…humans…had tried to kill him, and yet the very beings he killed—Angels—was the only one to love him. 

If his throat weren't so constricted from grief and misery, he would have laughed. It was almost funny. Very funny. 

"Shinji, what are you doing?" 

Shinji stirred, startled out of his thoughts. 

"K-Kaworu?" he gasped, his eyes wide. 

But it was Rei. A gigantic Rei. She looked at him with her red, red eyes. Blood red. 

He screamed. 

*          *          *

            "Is this better now Shinji? You are alone." 

            He floated in a world of orange. LCL. This was what he had chosen, to be alone. But somehow, it felt wrong. Why did it feel so wrong? 

            "You are alone now, Shinji. Here you can hurt no one and no one can hurt you."

            He was alone…

            Then Shinji realized what it was that was wrong. He _was_ alone. Completely, utterly, alone. There was no one else. Just silence, and such silence was oppressive. It threatened to strangle him, this loneliness, until this world he created was no different from the world he had run away from. 

            But this was what he wanted, wasn't it? To be alone. Wasn't this what he wanted? 

            No…

            "Then what do you want Shinji? What do you want?" 

            The voice came from Rei. She was looking at him, part of her body melded with him. Here in this world, there was nobody, and everybody, all at the same time. Here, Shinji was alone. 

            "I don't want to be alone…"

            "You weren't, once," Rei told him, her high voice showing no emotion. 

            "I killed him…" 

            "Yes, you chose to kill him," she agreed. 

            "What can I do? There is nothing I can do." 

            "You can choose," Rei replied. "You can choose." 

            "And if I choose…will that bring him back?" Shinji asked, bitter. 

            "This is the world where everyone is one. If you choose, those who have the will can make the choices for themselves." 

            Make the choice. 

            "Is…is this choice for everyone? Even Angels?" he asked. 

            "Those who have the will can make the choices for themselves," she repeated. 

            A chance then. A small chance, but it was a chance. 

            "Then I…" he froze. What if he didn't return? What if he didn't have the will? He would be stuck again in a reality that tortured him, this time without a chance. 

            _Believe in yourself Shinji…_

            "Kaworu…did you hear me?" he whispered to himself. But that tiny bit of memory was enough. Shinji had to believe in himself, and in that belief, he had to take that chance, when before there was no chance at all. 

            "I choose," he told Rei. "I choose." 

            There was a bright flash, and Shinji once again found himself in the seat of his Eva. He sat back, and closed his eyes. He had chosen, and now he only had to wait. 

*          *          *

            The Earth was a desolate place after Third Impact, but it was gradually rebuilding itself. At first it had only been him and Asuka, but slowly, people, those who had the will, began reappearing. 

            And still Shinji waited. As cities once again began to rise, as more and more of the people showed up, rebuilding homes, relearning what they had lost, Shinji still waited. Surely Kaworu had the will. Surely he did. 

            Then why was he taking so long? 

            _Believe in yourself Shinji…kimi ga suki…_

            No, he should not doubt. He would believe in himself, and someday, Kaworu would appear. 

            "I'm glad, Shinji. It had taken long enough for you to learn to believe in yourself." 

            Shinji turned, and saw him. 

            Kaworu smiled, his eyes filled with love. 

            "I'm back." 


End file.
